What if I am the problem?

For most of the time between my mid forties until only a few years ago I carried an inner feeling of self intimidation. I was afraid to speak up, to take a stand, to assert my authority and power. Not to be assertive in a dominant way, rather as someone with a purpose that was so strong it required taking a stand.

There was a multitude of reasons for this. One of the prime reasons was that I was unsure what that stand was clearly. I knew its pattern and direction, but it had not yet taken a coherent direction in my being. I had also spent most of my life edifying voices of others — to be specific, voices of charismatic males. I was easily spell cast and my journey has been one of discerning covert manipulation and seduction used as a web to gain power.

When our voice and purpose arrives as a transmission, it comes with edges of righteousness, perhaps even a touch of superiority, definitely certainty.

And herein lies the danger.

How do we speak as a transmission, without the contamination of righteousness? How do we prevent the taint of hubris? How do we stay open in heart, mind and action as we transmit our message and work?

Firstly we must be mindful of the entanglement of purpose and clarity with hubris and certainty that squeezes out optionality.

A practice is to keep getting on our knees, hands in the dirt, the dishes, the cleaning, literally and metaphorically, to be reminded of the greater forces of which we are a mere speck and towards which we serve.

To surround ourselves with others who care enough to speak when they see the shadow of purpose and transmission arise within us.

To notice our own charge or righteousness and certainty at the first instance, and to drop down into open hearted unknowing.

I must be fully prepared to be the problem I am trying to solve in the world.

To be able to say in full honesty and sincerity, that I am the problem, I made a mistake, I was wrong.

Photo taken March 22nd 2014

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