Together We Rise: The Quest for True Cultural and Gender Equality
I was born when it was common for children to attend Sunday School and join the Scouts, Brownies and Girl Guides. The contraceptive pill had just become a thing, enabling the rise of the sexual revolution — sex for pleasure and not just co-creation.
It was widespread for images of mostly naked women to adorn the walls of car mechanics and tradespeople. It was also common to be wolf whistled, harassed and sexualised constantly by men as I went about my day.
My role as a woman, modelled by my mother, modelled by her mother, was to be a dutiful daughter and serve the men of the house.
My father, who turns 90 this week, gratefully never had me believe I could not do anything I liked. An Aunt raised him before attending Boarding school when he was very young. This may have given him a more profound respect for women as sovereign beings.
Both my parents had me believe that University was the only path to take. Being educated and professional was the way. I never felt my gender played any part in the possibility of my future until I became a single mother.
I was 11 years old when a family friend molested me, hidden, but right in front of my parents. This man continued to attempt to molest me, visiting me at my Boarding school, held back, fortunately, by the strict supervision we had to have. It did not feel right to tell my parents. I did not know how to say NO. I certainly did not know how to do this with them standing right beside me as he did it. Even though it felt revolting.
However, in my twenties, I allowed myself to be abused. Some strange mashup in my head of the ingrained women’s role as service to the male, plus a longing to be loved and needed.
As I write these words, I know I am not alone. Almost every woman I know has a similar story to tell.
Our culture of sexual predation and abuse is changing. This change is not elegant. It is messy, complicated and often destructive to the almost innocent. (This applies to young boys as well.) Silly mistakes soaked in the long arc of culture are made, and it can cost reputations forever. It is hard. Yet these mistakes made public are where there is a chance to unplug the deep roots of entitlement and rights to dominate women and their bodies.
In many instances, I would prefer young people’s mistakes to be uncovered and negotiated in a private setting, a more respectful version of a truth and reconciliation process. Away from public and media scrutiny, these closed rooms allow a more mature long-term cultural change.
The real change required is complex. It is not a weekend workshop.
On the one hand, we have thousands of years of patriarchy, where women’s rights and roles have been secondary, where women’s bodies have been used and abused by both men and women. Like me, women often did not know how to say no or set strong boundaries. We have allowed ourselves to be abused.
On the other hand, the severity of the change makes it almost impossible for men to navigate.
Is any form of touch appropriate? Has it gone that far? Men feel isolated and alienated by the confusion and blurred lines of what is and is not correct.
Deep-rooted culture requires deep excavation if we want it to change.
I love that we are entering territory where we are invited to consider our unconscious bias about race, people of colour, and the physically and intellectually divergent.
We cannot see what we cannot see until it is pointed out to us. Every human has a learning journey to experience as we consider our biases, privileges, and blind spots. This re-education is not just for one societal group.
Yet over-sensitivity is also not helpful: You hurt my feelings is a victim statement. No one can hurt my feelings unless I permit them to.
We need to learn and evolve in this space of permission and mutuality.
When the President of Spain’s Football Federation grabs the head of a player he knows well and kisses her full on the mouth during the globally televised media presentation, how do we view this? Is it an over-exuberant expression of joy? Is it a violation of the player’s boundaries?
I propose it is both.
When our emotions are high, positive or negative, we are all prone to doing and saying silly or awful things. It is reflexive.
And herein lies the great opportunity.
In our reflexive response, we surface underlying blindspots and bias. Relics of our character that we may not have known existed become evident. We have the opportunity to learn from them.
Words tumble out of our mouths that we wish we could retract. Actions are taken that can cause harm. The king hit that potentially kills.
Culture shows up, and we see our conditioning, ugly as that may be.
Women and all children need to learn to say NO. To know what is correct and acceptable. To be comfortable setting boundaries. Touching here or there is not OK. No, I do not want a hug.
Women and all children need to learn self-defence. When these techniques are learned, it is easy to escape the vice-like grip of someone trying to drag you or harm you. You do not need to be strong to escape this.
It took me a very long time to learn that I had it in me to say NO. I did learn self-defence. I wanted to know that a 51 KG woman would not be an easy target. The confidence I carry due to an embodied knowing of this makes me less likely to be a target. Bullies pick on easy targets. Don’t be an easy target.
We need to spend as much time on the education, boundary setting, and self-defence side of the situation as we do on re-educating men about appropriate permission. Yet, this other element is often skipped over while we lay all the blame and burden on men.
This is wrong. It also continues to reinforce that women are victims.
Do not be a victim, women. Take responsibility.
And men need to learn that permission must be granted. Forcing or grabbing, even when the situation is heightened by emotion, is not OK. Any form of sex that happens, even under the influence of alcohol or drugs must be mutually consensual. No exceptions.
This type of re-education will take time. Mistakes will be made. Full apologies should be accepted.
It should not be an opportunity for the media to go into a frenzy, especially when a full apology is given. Media are not helping our progress towards a more respectful world.
Communities where mutual respect, clear boundaries, the ability to say NO and mean no, and yes and mean yes, where domination and force over another is unacceptable in every form (unless it is a parent-child situation or variation), where we begin with the ground condition of doing no harm to another, and practice Clean Communication, are Syntropic Communities.
We choose to be better by being together. Learning from each other about our ingrained cultural nuances that might bias one another is essential to our evolution. This is an opportunity to synergise and improve as individuals and the collective.
The relationship between us, the space where culture and trust live, is sacred ground. We collectively care for that ground, continuously weeding the cultural garden of toxic, noxious elements. We do this for love.
Love of each other, love of self, and love of the possibility we hold as a collective.
It is a journey, not a destination.
A great culture, a civilisation I aspire to, is where all of Earth and her creatures are held with similar respect for their intrinsic value, where our unique and diverse values are given opportunities to shine. Where the boundaries for our behaviours and actions are clear and respectful, and the consequences of any violation are unambiguous and not biased. All of this regardless of gender, race, ability or sexuality.
This type of culture is a Syntropic Enterprise.
It begins with me. And you. Let us be the change we aspire to see.
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